If You Don’t Have Something Nice to Say

Why Don’t You?

Your mom said it too, right?

“If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Mom’s response to complaints and general whining is seared into my brain. Was I a HUGE complainer and tattletale? Maybe. Would it have left such a mark if I hadn’t heard it a bunch of times?

I used this same phrase rearing my children, and I agree that it’s important to reinforce a positivity mindset. However, in the last few years, I’ve decided it isn’t enough to only encourage positivity in our speech. I didn’t use this phrase to promote disapproving silence. I wanted my kids to speak uplifting and encouraging words. My goal was for them to build each other up, not ice each other out.

I think we can do better.

If you don’t have something nice to say, why don’t you?

How many of us long to hear words of affirmation from others?

Umm…all of us?

Whether from parents or bosses, lovers or friends, heck, even from our kids, we all want our efforts and abilities noticed and appreciated. If you’re one of the few who truly feels nothing when someone praises you, I’m sorry.

Why do we want it? Why do we go out of our way even for a remote opportunity that an unsolicited compliment might drop into our laps?

Because it feels good. Like candy for our brains.

There are those folks who would prefer to be ignored than receive any accolades, but a sincere compliment, not exaggerated, seldom lands wrong. (Check out executive coach, Kim Ades’ tips on sharing compliments.)

Numerous studies show the benefits to the givers as well as the receivers.

Genuine compliments benefit everyone.

Yet, when was the last time this thought occurred to you? “Geez. I’m tired of all the nice things people are saying about me.”

Like never? Yeah, me too. Why don’t we give people more praise?

Is giving a compliment really that hard? Quality praise does require some effort. Your default bit, “Your hair looks great today” isn’t going to be well received by a balding person. But it isn’t hard. Pay attention and share the positive. Thoughtful words. Powerful words. Both can change people’s lives.

Seconds. It only takes a little thought and a few seconds.

It won’t annoy them, really.

One main reason, several studies show, people withhold mentioning the positive things they notice is that they’re worried about the consequences of speaking up. Someone might be irritated or upset at the comment, even a positive one.

According to Dr. Holly Parker, as published in Psychology Today, the results are clear.1 This concern is overblown. Very few people are bothered by a sincere and respectful compliment from a stranger. Speak kindness. People will soak it up like a sponge.

Do yourself a favor. Do a stranger a favor. Make the world better, one compliment at a time. (Even better, make it five a day like Rosa Diaz-Casal.)

Photo by Karolina Kaboompics: www.pexels.com

1 Boothby, E.J., & Bohns, V.K. (2021). Why a simple act of kindness is not as simple as it seems: Underestimating the positive impact of our compliments on others. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 47, 826–840.