“How are you?” Hurts

My one-year-old granddaughter, Blaire, is the cutest little magpie.

Until recently, my customary greeting to her was, “How are you?” I’d wait for the invariable smile and ask her another question. “Are you good?”

“Goo.” Eight pearly teeth shined back to me.

I loved these exchanges. Watching her learn language, express feelings, and grow her interpersonal skills. She has everyone, even her eight-year-old sister wrapped around her finger, so she really is “good.” But, no one is always “good.” Sometimes we are sad, mad, or happy. Or a any number of emotions.

I spent some time with friend who’d recently buried their son after a devastating illness and untimely death. We were both attending a graveside service for our mutual friend’s son. It was so good to hug her. I hadn’t expected to see her there, her own loss so fresh and raw, and I told her so. I wanted to acknowledge the cost she was paying to support our friend.

Her reply rocked me.

She shared that during a recent grocery store trip she’d been asked by the checker how she was doing, then pressed for details to deepen a conversation and create an atmosphere of friendliness. (Something they’re required to do, no doubt.) After the conversation turned uncomfortable, my friend shared something that I’m sure had never entered the mind of those creating or implementing this chatty policy.

It’s nice to inquire about your customers lives, but realize when you do that for some who are struggling in the aftermath of a tough loss, it’s all they can do just to stand there and buy groceries. They don’t have the emotional energy to pretend everything is fine or to bring their grief into the light of day.

I felt thunderstruck.

I regularly ask people how they are in places and circumstances that preclude any response but a lie or a deflection. The answer isn’t always “good.”

How did I not see and understand this sooner?

Trying to show care and compassion with a question that rolls out of my mouth like I’m a one-year-old isn’t compassion or care. It’s thoughtless, hurtful, and sometimes even cruel.

How many times have I done this to people? Countless.

There were even times when I asked and didn’t have the time or emotional bandwidth to process the person’s response. Isn’t that worse than not asking? You just opened your heart to me, but I can’t deal with your answer right now. Even if my words didn’t say it, I’m sure my eyes and anxiety betrayed me.

“It’s good to see you.” My friend suggested as an improvement, and I agree with her. It says, “I value you and your presence” without pushing someone to share more than they’re able to. They don’t even have to respond. This seems so much more compassionate, to acknowledge that the smiling face in front of me might be a facade that one careless question could crumble.

I can do better.

“It’s good to see you” will be on the tip of my tongue. And, when I do ask little Blaire how she is, I will model the facial expression of a few appropriate emotions and see what she says and does.

I want to talk with her, not listen to a bird chirp.

Photo by Barış Karagöz from Pexels